In everyone's heart, there is a child who needs praise.

The whole world is turbid, but I am the only one who is clear; everyone is drunk, but I am the only one who is sober.

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Many years ago, in the countryside of the southern United States, on a weekend night, a mother carefully prepared a sumptuous dinner and was about to call her son to eat. At this time, it suddenly rained heavily outside. The little boy did not listen to his mother's call, but ran outside to play crazily, rolling and frolicking in the rain. In a blink of an eye, the new clothes he had just put on were covered with mud. While jumping, he happily said to his mother: "Mom, I want to jump to the moon." The mother did not blame him, but just said lightly: "Okay, but don't forget to jump back from the moon and go home for dinner!"

Later, the boy grew up and he really went to the moon. He was Armstrong, the first American to land on the moon. So, when Armstrong returned to the earth from the moon, a reporter asked him: "What do you want to say most at this moment?" Armstrong replied: "I want to tell my mother that I am back from the moon and I want to go home for dinner!"

Armstrong's childhood dream became a reality, which is inseparable from his mother who knows how to respect children and cherish their pure and imaginative hearts. This is the magic of language. Beautiful and affirmative language can make a person. If his mother had yelled at him and responded to him with ridicule and intimidation: "You are a snake-headed man, don't you hurry home, or I will break your dog legs" (this should be a golden sentence for many Chinese boys in their childhood)! Would Armstrong still want to go to the moon?

In the Korean drama "Secret Meeting", how did the heroine Oh Hye-won save the talent of the piano genius Lee Sun-jae and make him fall in love with her? She listened to Sun-jae's playing for a whole day. At the end, Sun-jae asked: Did I play well? Hye-won first said that she was very tired and needed to rest. Then she said, "It seems that you don't know yourself." Then she began to understand the process of Sun-jae playing the piano, at what age he started, how to learn and other questions. Then the two of them played a song together. Finally, Hye-won pinched Sun-jae's little face and said, "This is a special compliment!"

That’s why Sun Jae made that heartfelt confession later: “I’ve thought a lot about where to start, and I’ve practiced. I don’t understand those profound words, like foreign names, and I can only read them after looking them up online and marking them in Korean, so I practiced many times in my mind, trying to stop stuttering and speak more fluently. Anyway, I’m really, really confused. Teacher, when I was in the most difficult time, when I hated myself so much that I wanted to die, you suggested that I start playing the piano again, and you also read my inner hesitation…”

When I was in junior high school, my composition was often praised by my Chinese teacher and class teacher. She recommended me to participate in the city's composition competition and won a prize. She encouraged me to read extracurricular books. Even on the eve of the high school entrance examination, when my grades dropped because I didn't study math well because of extracurricular reading, she didn't criticize me harshly. She always talked to me with tenderness and love. If it weren't for the teacher's affirmation and care for my love of writing and reading, I don't think I would be able to publish a book today, nor could I make a living by writing. Therefore, I am still full of gratitude to this Chinese teacher.

I used to work as a planner in an advertising company. My boss would throw away all the work I worked so hard on without even looking at it. After finally getting a project through a competition, my colleagues would coldly say, "Creativity is useless." Even though I was strong inside, the feeling of being unrecognized and worthless would still linger in my heart over time. I often felt that I couldn't get motivated at work and that what I was doing was meaningless, so I had to resign and leave.

Language is not just a combination of sounds, tones, words and sentences, nor is it just a communication tool. It represents the speaker's attitude, values ​​and cultural system. Language often determines our positive or negative mentality. Language also determines the closeness and quality of our relationship with others. Infants and their parents always have many simple reduplicated words in their language, which is gentle, cute, full of innocence, childishness and curiosity. And those lovers in the passionate period often speak a language full of love, sweetness and sexual passion. The power of language is immeasurable. A critical word can break a relationship, while a word of affirmation can not only make the relationship intimate, but also create miracles!

The evaluation of others is of great significance to a person's self-awareness. When we were young, we often internalized the evaluation of others. Others' affirmation will make us feel great, while others' criticism will make us think we are not good. Self-identity is often based on others' recognition of us. Mark Twain once said: "A word of praise and affirmation can keep me alive for two months." Language can hurt and destroy a person, but it can also inspire, save and even make a person.

In 19th century France, a poor man stole bread for his starving children, and was sentenced to 19 years of hard labor by the judge. After being released from prison, he was taken in by a kind bishop for the night. However, he stole the bishop's silverware and fled, but was later caught by the police. The bishop claimed that the silverware was a gift to him, which saved him from arrest. The bishop's words and deeds touched him, and he changed his ways and worked hard. Ten years later, he became a successful businessman and became the mayor. This story comes from "Les Miserables".

After I started to learn psychological counseling, I understood more clearly what a great reward positive words are. However, it seems that it is difficult for us Chinese to give others sincere compliments. It seems that apart from flattering the leaders and saying nice things, it is particularly difficult for us to express pure and sincere compliments.

I remember one time, the teacher who taught us psychological counseling techniques asked us to do an exercise. "Sit across from your deskmate and praise each other for one minute." Even though it only took one minute, this exercise was quite difficult for most students. Many people were at a loss, looking at each other awkwardly, not knowing how to praise each other. But the exercise had to be completed, so many people had no choice but to bite the bullet and praise each other.

"You look very nice in the clothes you wear today."

"Your earrings match your face shape."

"I like your voice, it sounds nice."

Gradually, complimenting became more natural.

"Every time I see you, you arrive in the classroom relatively early and have never been late. You are very hardworking and diligent."

"You often buy snacks and share them with us. I also eat a lot. You are really warm and welcoming to people. Thank you very much. I also want to learn from you."

……

After the one-minute praise class, many people overcame their embarrassment and learned how to praise others. Some students were even moved to tears because it was the first time they heard someone praise them in this way.

In fact, everyone needs compliments. Moderate and sincere compliments can easily make people happy. People who know how to compliment others are often more comfortable in interpersonal communication and are more likely to establish good relationships with others. In intimate relationships, compliments are a panacea that makes the other person more confident and gentle, and your relationship becomes more intimate and harmonious.

There is a male teacher who teaches psychological counseling. He is 67 years old this year and can be our grandfather. He has a harmonious and loving relationship with his wife. In class, he shared with us his way to please his wife: after get off work, as soon as he got home, he would hug his wife from behind while she was cooking and say, "My dear wife, you have worked hard." His wife would roll her eyes at him and shyly say, "Go away." But when eating, she would bring the teacher's wine and pour it for him. When eating, the teacher would also praise his wife's cooking skills: "This dish is so delicious today. Look, I ate a lot." So, after eating, his wife didn't ask him to wash the dishes. Some people would misunderstand that our teacher is scheming and say that he uses a few compliments to get his wife to help him do things. In fact, this is not the case. Our teacher cares about his wife very much and will also take care of the housework. He uses praise to achieve a harmonious and happy relationship between husband and wife.

Can you accept compliments graciously?

I found that a large number of young people in China look down on their own achievements. They think that the praise given to them by others is a hypocritical social method and flattery, and it is not worth taking seriously. On the contrary, when faced with the achievements of others, they overestimate them and think that others are great, which makes them feel even more inferior.

For example, he can play the piano and sing, and his skills are excellent and his voice is moving. When you praise him for his versatility, he says he is not up to par.

For example, if he passes the postgraduate entrance examination and you praise him for being awesome, he will say that everyone around him has passed the exam and their schools are even better than his.

For example, he traveled to many places alone, and you praised him for his knowledge and courage, but he said that it was nothing, he just liked to have fun and spend money.

……

They are not pretending, nor are they being modest. Their expressions and tones let you know that in their hearts, they truly believe that their achievements are not worth mentioning and that they do not deserve your praise.

Why are these people like this?

Because when they come home with 99 points in the exam, they hope to be praised by their parents, but their parents say: What is there to be happy about? Don’t you think about how you lost that 1 point?

When they became squadron leaders and wanted to share their joy with their parents, their parents said: Look at so-and-so next door, he is the captain of the team!

……

A friend once told me about his childhood experience. His English grades were always bad. After working hard for a long time, he finally got 80 points from 60 points. He went home very happy and hoped that his mother would praise him. Unexpectedly, his mother didn't even take a serious look at the test paper. She just said: "You are so happy for getting 80 points. Why don't you take a good look at yourself in the mirror?" Thinking of this past event now, he still feels sad. He also believes that his lack of self-confidence is related to the lack of affirmation from his parents since childhood.

I encountered this problem in the early days of getting along with my boyfriend. When I praised him for being handsome, he would feel embarrassed and suspect that I was cheating on him. When I praised him for being humorous, he thought I said that because I loved him. I said to him: I love you. He didn't respond after hearing it. But if I said something wrong with him and criticized him, he would feel that "I am not good at all" and would feel very depressed. Later, I learned that my boyfriend's parents rarely praised him when he was young, but often criticized him in front of relatives and friends, and even laughed at him. Negative comments always outweighed positive affirmations.

Many parents of our generation agree that "praise leads to pride, pride makes people fall behind" and "criticism can make people progress". Therefore, they do not know how to affirm and praise their children in the process of educating them. Children are rarely recognized by their parents, nor are they accepted unconditionally. Only when you have good test scores and behave well and obediently, will your parents think you are a good child. Therefore, when they grow up, they often think that they are not good enough, they are generally low in self-evaluation, and they feel that they are not worthy of praise and affirmation. Perhaps only when they rise to the sun, they will truly recognize themselves from the bottom of their hearts and feel that they are good.

In each of us lives a child who needs to be affirmed and praised, and we deserve this praise and affirmation. From now on, learn to praise others, don't be stingy with your praise, your praise will make people feel that this is a better and more worth looking forward to life. In addition to changing other people's moods, it may also change their lives. Please also learn to accept yourself. People who accept themselves can happily accept what others give, and have the ability to affirm and appreciate themselves. When others praise you, you can say thank you generously without suspecting that others are lying; when others express goodwill to you, you can accept it sincerely; when friends and lovers give you gifts, you will feel happy and thank them instead of feeling burdened and owed... From now on, you must also learn to reward and affirm yourself. Even if it is a small progress and change, you should praise yourself and celebrate yourself. "I finished my work on time today, I am awesome!" "I spent one less hour on the Internet today and wrote an extra 500-word paper. I deserve special praise!"

When you know how to praise others and enjoy their praise, I think you will become a person who loves yourself more and accepts yourself more.

PS: Today, I would like to express my most sincere love to the readers who read my articles: I love you, thank you for your support and affirmation of me all the time, your words of affirmation are the best reward for me!

Why not express your love and gratitude to the people around you today? The following is a "Words of Affirmation Exercise" from Gary Chapman's "The Five Love Languages" for everyone to practice.

“Practice affirming your significant other by:

1. Use a 3×5 card and write the following phrases. Stick it on your mirror or somewhere you see it every day to remind yourself that your spouse’s primary love language is “Words of Affirmation.”

Words are important! Words are important! Words are important!

2. Keep a journal and write down the words of affirmation you say to your spouse every day for one week. At the end of the week, sit down with your spouse and look over your journal.

On Monday, I said, "You cooked a great meal." "That dress looks great on you." "Thanks for picking up the laundry."

On Tuesday, I said: …wait.

You may be surprised at how well or poorly you speak words of affirmation.

3. Set a goal: Give your spouse a different compliment every day for a month. If, "an apple a day keeps the sick away," maybe one compliment a day keeps the psychiatrist away. (You might want to write down these compliments so you don't repeat them too much.)

4. When you read newspapers, magazines, and books, or watch TV or listen to the radio, pay attention to the words of affirmation used. When you observe people talking, write down the words of affirmation in a notebook. (If it is a cartoon, cut it out and stick it in your notebook.) From time to time, look through these books and select some sentences that are suitable for your spouse. When you use a sentence, write the date on it. Your notebook may become a little book of love! Please remember the importance of affirmation!

5. Write a love letter, a love essay, or a love message to your spouse; give it silently or passionately with fanfare! (It is very likely that after he or she passes away, you will find your love letter hidden somewhere special.) Words are important.

6. Praise your spouse in front of his parents and friends, and you will get double the credit: your spouse will feel your love, and his parents will feel lucky to have such a good son-in-law (or daughter-in-law).

7. Look for your spouse's strengths and tell him or her how much you appreciate them. It's likely that she will work harder to live up to them.

8. Tell your children how wonderful their mother or father is. Say it to your spouse's face and behind his or her back.

9. Write a poem describing your feelings for your spouse. If you are not a poet, choose a card that expresses your feelings. Underline special words and add a few words of your own at the end.

10. If you find that saying words of affirmation is too difficult for you, practice in front of a mirror. Use a cheat sheet if you need to. Remember, the words are important.

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